Your Dreamcar's Dreamcar Is My Daily - Minivan All the Things

[haolepinoy]

January 2015 | 117,000 miles

Hmm… well, I got a roll of gaffer tape, but when I popped the hood this lot fell out. Bullocks! It probably would have still ran in this state, but my newborn son made it abundantly clear that he wouldn’t be caught dead driving in anything less than amazing. Time to get the funk out!

First Item to sort out would be this airbox. A quick hack I learned back in my time with the British Special Forces would quickly turn this boring old air conditioner filter into something far more powerful. By sticking the filter in the back of the freezer for as long as possible (usually until your wife notices and asks WTF!?), you’ll be able to recharge any cold air intake without having to spend lots of the Queen’s sterling on those fancy K&N spray paint kits.

[haolepinoy]

January 2015 | 117,000 miles

Next on the agenda…FORCED INDUCTION!

Some nincompoop thought it would be a good idea to saddle this raging stallion of an engine with this puny little turbo charger yanked off a backpack leaf blower. Ford didn’t enlist the astrophysicists at Cosworth to steal these top secret engine plans from Porsche, only to then strangle it to death with this thing.

If you can’t tell by the scorch marks, this raging engine has been spitting flames of frustration beneath this cork for over a decade. Time to unleash the beast, and let the Aston Martin innards breath a sigh of relief.

I’d also need to replace almost every piece of rubber pipe connected to this blast furnace, as the boost levels were capable of sucking stuff inside-out.

I also went ahead and changed all the sparky parts with extra sparky (I’m pretty sure that’s what Denso means when you say it with a Japanese accent). Ba-da-boom!

But I saved the best surprise for last. Not only was this engine designed by Porsche and fine-tuned by Cosworth, Not only was it deployed for service in the Aston Martin fleet and test-driven by Christian Bale. Not only was it given a Ford badge, but also a Mazda one for good measure. But it also had one of these thingies…

I have no idea what this doohickey is, but that little diamond star means that when I push that button, Jackie Chan himself will pop out of the passenger-side airbag ready to rumble. With that I dropped the hood and called this resurrection complete.

About time to get daily’in…

[Brian]

That little doohickey is some kind of vacuum solenoid. A check valve, maybe? Regardless, it’s likely the reason for all the high performance fire and brimstone you’ve come to enjoy from your Max Power Vehicle.

[haolepinoy]

Haha… if it isn’t obvious, I REALLY LOVE MY MINIVAN!!! If it weren’t for this guy I wouldn’t have my Montero…and I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE THAT THING!!! That build thread is gonna be the special one, which is why I still haven’t started it yet.

Yet… hopefully soon.

[haolepinoy]

It’s nice to have a place to do a build thread on a daily driver…where else could I have found to rant and rave like a lunatic about a minivan. Best forum on the internet!

[haolepinoy]

April 2015

First stop on the Daily Train was Virginia International Raceway for some sick drifting…in my minivan. We spent the morning sizing up the competition, if you could call it that. Bunch of poseurs. The pits quickly devolved into chaos as my boys proceeded to mock, taunt, and assault random drivers for their whackness.

I eventually had to pull one of my boys out of some guys LS-swapped Kia 240’whatever thing. He was apparently going to teach him how to drive like a man by running this shitbox into the nearest telephone pole.

Things were getting absolutely ridiculous, so we made a hard exit from the pits for some snacks and a nap. When my boys woke up and finished eating all the food inside this random white trailer we had some guy walk up to us and introduce himself. I can’t remember exactly but I think his name was Ryan Truck or something dumb like that.

Anyways, he said he heard about our minivan and wanted to know if we’d be interested in a trade. But after looking over his Corolla my sons were like, “Fool, please. We got plenty of hockey sticks at home already. Besides, this thing needs some more power. You should put a Ferrari engine in it or something, and stop being such a Punk.” He cried a little because the truth hurt, but told us he would.

Anyways there was only one car the whole day that the boys almost liked and that was only because it had the same engine as our van. But the boys really didn’t like the wallpaper. Who puts wallpaper in an engine bay?!

Oh, and in case you were wondering … we totally won the HyperFest 500 or whatever this dumb race was called. In fact we swept the whole podium, because minivan.

[Brian]

OLOLZ!

Good times. School those busters!

[haolepinoy]

May 2015

After all the winning it was hard to find any peace and quiet with all the fandom. We made a dramatic exit in a cloud of tire smoke. Having reached the pinnacle of motorsports on our very first outing we decided to retire and pursue the #vanlife thing, see what it was all about.

First up was a familiar spot. We’d camped at this place the previous Summer with our Jeep Cherokee, and I’d hunted grizzly bear there last Fall. Albanian terrorists sabotaged my Jeep while I was out chasing my prey, and on the ride home I found that if my speed went below 88 mph Jack Bauer would explode. Dangit! A bit of quick thinking had me cut a random red wire under the dash, diffusing the bomb, but it also caused my headlights to go out. Good thing I knew how to find the North Star or I’d never have made it home that night.

Needless to say we had a few scores to settle, with both the bears and the Albanians. But first up on our agenda was tracking down some food.

After hours of intense pursuit, we still hadn’t found the first bear or Albanian. Yet, despite all the dense jungle and crocodile-infested rivers, we refused to give up the chase. Then we caught our first break. Hiding under a rock like a terrorist would we found our first Albanian.

After some enhanced interrogation techniques were deployed he gave up the location of the rest of his ilk. The boys made quick work apprehending the remaining perpetrators. Somewhere Jack Bauer can sleep easier.

They say revenge is best served cold, but not in this case. We grilled up them suckers, along with about eleven pounds of bacon for good measure. Revenge is best served with bacon. Eleven pounds of bacon.

Only thing left to do after breakfast was find them bears, though we knew they’d never risk a daytime assault on our camp. In a bid to draw them in I had the kids pour the remainder of the bacon grease on the hood of the van in order that it would resemble a female black bear in heat. All that was left to do at this point was wait.

Later that night we were in for more than we bargained for, as a black bear of Morgoth crawled into camp. Thankfully Gandalf was with us, and after some “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” kinda fireworks we found ourselves feasting on bear-flavored s’mores.

Moral of the story: if you’re gonna try to sabotage a guy’s Jeep, make sure he doesn’t also own an awesome minivan. Cuz you might get killed.

Moral of the story #2: if you’re gonna eat Albanians and bears, make sure you brush your teeth.

[haolepinoy]

May 2015

Next stop on the #vanlife miscreant tour we decided would be a beach of some sort. Van people seem to always take pictures of themselves waking up half naked by the ocean. Sounds pretty click bait’ey but let’s give it a shot.

Wasn’t long before we rolled up onto the nearest beach only to find it full of blasted tourists sunning themselves like a bunch of sea lions on Animal Planet. Bummer. Nobody would want to click on our super awesome pictures with those fatties splayed out in the background, so we figured we’d go find another spot.

We stopped by this statue of Abraham Lincoln before leaving. So glad he swam over here and discovered America for us before those evil Russians did. My boys liked his beard, and kept asking me why I wouldn’t let them grow theirs yet. Same reason I don’t let them eat mint chocolate chip ice cream for breakfast. Gotta save some awesome for later boys.

Eventually we discovered this gem of a campsite, hidden in a forest on some Navy Seal training base. My wife forgot her Special Forces ID badge back home, but since she knew the secret handshake they let us in. Not to mention that they thought our minivan was amazing. That helped too.

The following morning I went out to meditate and build a sand castle on our private beach, but was rudely interrupted by my beardless progeny. Apparently they were tired of my requiring them to shave every morning, and were going to let me know it.

After heaps of biting, clawing, and even an illegal nut shot or two they eventually surrendered. The old man’s still got it, as my wife is oft to say. We then proceeded to plan and simulate the infiltration and sacking of a French castle, complete with much taunting.

The Spec Ops guys that were jogging along the beach kept asking us about our van and if we’d give them a ride in it, so we never got a chance to get those sick pics of our toes pointed at the horizon for our Instagram account. Oh well. Besides, the boys were pretty beat up from all the training. Don’t need nobody calling the IRS on us. Damn commies.

Proud of these little guys. They’ll make old Honest Abe proud if them Russians ever try to come back over here to avenge their loss to Rocky Balboa. We’re ready, beard or no beard.

[Brian]

I think I’m gonna start imagining Morgan Freeman narrating your build threads. They’re that good.

Also, I miss the ocean.

[haolepinoy]

June 2015 | 122,500 miles

Behold, another crime scene investigation into the previous ownership history of this marvelous machine. I noticed one day that the inner fender splash shield on the passenger-side was missing. I just figured that maybe it happened during all those sick drifts the previous weeks, but upon closer inspection I found a more nefarious cause. Seems that the previous owner had somehow set the windshield washer fluid reservoir on fire, and therefore everything else in the passenger-side wheel well at the same time. He somehow conveniently failed to mention this before I bought it.

The only possible explanation for this arson would be that he had filled the reservoir with 93 octane gas in an effort to … you know, I have no idea why anyone would put gasoline in a windshield washer fluid reservoir. But I also have no idea why any sane or moral person would have sold this amazing van, so the only thing that makes sense to me is that the previous owner was an utter idiot. Or a lunatic. Or literally Hitler.

But you know who was all like, “Oh, I’m on fire am I? Whatever…” Yep, my minivan. Reservoir still worked despite all the bare wiring and melty’ness. Junkyard delivered up a less crispy version, but … just got an idea for a future mod for the cleanest windshields ever.

[Brian]

I get the premise, and plastic is most certainly flammable—but who sets a bucket of WATER on fire?

That’s a special kind of stupid, imo. Then again, Virginia, right?

[haolepinoy]

July/August 2015

Welp…having determined that auto racing was too easy if you drive a minivan and that #vanlife virtual reality camping was dumb, not to mention the growing reality that the crowds of fans and admirers was becoming a constant bother, we decided to head off into the mountains again for some isolation and family fun.

Alas, seemed no matter where we went the locals just couldn’t seem to ignore the amazingness of our van. At least we could eat these bothersome fans if they persisted to bother us into hunting season.

“Ice cream will have to suffice for now,” I told the boys in an effort to prevent them from ravenous poaching. But while watching Clint Eastwood report on the six o’clock news that evening we were shocked to learn that there had been numerous odd happenings and sightings in the local area.

Something wasn’t right, and the way the news made it sound, the authorities weren’t being very forthright with the truth. Daggon’it. Looks like we’d have to investigate for ourselves and get to the bottom of whatever was bothering Clint so much. It takes a lot to bother Clint. Must be important.

That following morning we marched ourselves up to the local ranger station to volunteer our family as a scientific expeditionary force determined to get to the bottom of things around here. The only info they could give us was to be careful, since dozens of weather patterns had recombobulated overnight. That only happens when something’s about to hit the fan.

I tipped my cowboy hat to the ranger in thanks before setting off with the troops. If these rangers didn’t know nothing, guess we’d have to drop in on my old pal Smokey over in Beartown.

Couldn’t find Smokey anywhere in the miles and miles of slot canyons and crevasses despite lathering ourselves up with vegan-free honey (Smokey hates vegans). Daggon’it. This meant either the Sri Lankans had already gotten to Smokey…or he was working with them the whole time. Or who knows. We still had no idea what was going on…

That was, right up until we caught sight of these guys. Space aliens. Daggon’it. I liked our chances when it was just the Sri Lankan government we were up against. So much for an easy getaway in the minivan.

[Brian]

You sure you weren’t exploring an ancient aliens crash site? Beartown looks highly suspicious.

Fortunately, you had a tribe of fearsome hobbits at your side. And I appreciate your calling out the date as being several years ago. No doubt the mystery was solved long ago—or your thorough investigation forced the aliens back into hiding.

Either way, a good thing, as we all know George Washington was in a cult and that cult was into aliens, man. Only the most intrepid of explorers would blaze trails into National Treasure territory. I’d hate to think Smokey was taken prisoner by a 300-year old Washington in cahoots with the Sri Lankans.

[haolepinoy]

July/August 2015 cont.

After squeezing those little boogerheads for info on Smokey’s whereabouts we zoom, zoom’ed back over to Watoga before it was too late. Whatever was going down was going to be going down’est around Ann Bailey’s Lookout Tower. So after gearing up with all the gadgets and gizmos we’d need for the alpine-like hike to the top we set off.

I strapped on my laser-powered spy wrist watch, but giving the GPS-equipped binoculars to my son may have been a mistake. We were quickly lost…but there was plenty of sights and signs along the way.

Eventually we caught sight of otherworldly beings affecting the local flora and fauna.

With something to nibble on the boys finally had the scent. I set them loose and almost instantly they started finding the aliens all over the mountain side.

The biggest we stumbled onto would have been great fried up and served with ketchup…alas I forgot the Q-issued deep fryer sunglasses back at the van. Chicken of the Woods, we found out it was called (notice the size compared to my shoe in the picture).

With all the evidence we needed to conclude that humankind was threatened by an imminent alien invasion we scrambled to the top of the mountain as fast as we could in the hopes that we could find a signal for our satellite phone. We could also call in a napalm strike on the mountain side before we were overrun with spores.

Unfortunately we found no signal. Must have been scrambled by the Martian shrooms. Bastards! Looks like we’d have no choice but to fight our way back down the mountain. But I wasn’t worried for us. I felt bad for the space invaders. Napalm would have been a more compassionate way for them to go.

[haolepinoy]

July/August 2015 cont.

After the conclusion of the Battle of Ann Bailey Mountain (which I heard inspired that terrible sequel Independence Day: Resurgence which was released the following year) we raced over to the Green Bank Observatory. They’ve got the largest radio telescope in the world there, so we figured they’d be the best ones to help us get the word out to the world that the INVASION WAS IMMINENT!!!

Unfortunately for us the Sri Lankans had already warned them about us and they told us to go pound sand.

Since we couldn’t use their big telescope thingy we tried to hijack the smaller death ray out in the parking lot. The boys tried to hotwire the thing so they could aim it back over at the Ann Bailey mountain side to smoke any surviving space monsters.

The rent-a-cop security guard didn’t like this idea, and proceeded to ask us to leave. Holy Crap! It was Smokey. Must have been demoted down to Mall Cop after teaming up with the Sri Lankans. Before my boys aimed the death ray at Officer Friendly over there I dragged off the battle-hardened Halflings. Time to load up the minivan and leave the mountains before they started an intergalactic war.

Another trip in the minivan, another ridiculous escapade in the everyday. Time to get back home and back to work on the Jeep.

[Brian]

You know what’s cool? I’ve never seen or heard of ANY of these places and things. I mean, forest trails, lookout towers, and radio telescopes, sure, but these are all new places and things for me.

Thank you.

[haolepinoy]

Like the movies…these tales are all based on true events.

I’ve lived in Virginia all my life and explored West Virginia with my dad just as long, but am always amazed at just how much is still out there to see (even in a crowded place like the East Coast).

[haolepinoy]

October 2015

With work on the Jeep taking FOREVER AND EVER, it remained the duty of the daily of all dailies to scratch the adventure itch. But since we had basically circumnavigated the globe twice by this point, what was left to do? Why not try a very local, low-key camping trip just outside our hometown?

Leave it to David Attenborough to ruin our vacation plans…AGAIN! I hate that guy. Always calling us up asking if we can provide him some material for his latest reality TV show or what-not. And wouldn’t you guess who decided to call just as we were leaving the house…sheesh.

After listening to his drunken whining about “My career is swirling the drain” and “I’m such a fraud” and “I’m so sorry I mixed frog DNA with dinosaurs” blah, blah, blah… I finally gave in and told him I’d bail him out one last time, though it was gonna cost the Queen double the usual rate.

We’re going to call this one More Scientific Progress Going Boink! but I’m sure the BBC will come up with some unimaginative dumb name like Planet Earth or something like that. So glad George Washington kicked King George in the nuts all those centuries ago.

Kitted out with the latest scientific gadgetry we trudged out into the wilds, unsure of what we’d find…but sure we’d find it none-the-less. These boys have a nose for trouble, and that sometimes also yields discoveries of note.

We pushed off into the unknown, and before long were in lands hitherto unknown to the outside world.

Without further ado, let the discoveries begin…

Prehistoric Beavers Deforestation…

Demon Spider Monsters Covered in Baby Demon Spider Monsters…

Fossilized Dinosaur Poop…

Hobbits of the Shire…

Space Aliens…

Space Alien Droppings…

Keebler Elf Cookie Factories…

Primitive Bushcraft Demonstrations…

Various Natural Cures and Remedies to Foot Cancer, Male Pattern Baldness, Illiteracy, and Stank Breath…

By the end of the first day we figured we’d unearthed enough discoveries to keep ol’ Davey Boy’s career afloat for at least a few more seasons. We turned into camp to finally enjoy that local, low key kind of camping trip we were in search of the whole time.

But next time your watching one of them fancy TV shows about the natural world, just remember who’s really responsible for all the magic. These guys right here…

[Brian]

I love this.

How do you split up between two tents?